I have a crappy self-esteem...sorry Natalia

Another long day. I started getting depressed about my weight again today. Im tired of this happening and I dont know what to do. I feel like there is absolutely no hope and though i try to ignore it, its eating away at me bit by bit, day by day. I dont see the beautiful girl that everyone talk about. I know i dont have to look like a model or a celebrity. I dont want to anyways. I just want to be satisfied with myself...and im not. I try to change my attitude. I thought that as long as i just say im pretty and that im happy with myself that ill just start to believe it, you know, trick my own mind, but that didnt work out. It actually annoys me SOMETIMES  when someone just says i dont need to lose weight and that my weight is fine, but as long as theyre not in my body, they wont know the pain that i feel everyday. They wont feel my struggle. Until they can get in my mind and think how i think and feel how i feel, then they shouldnt just say that im fine and that im beautiful and expect me to just say "Ok. im beautiful! thank you so much!". It doesnt work like that. I wish it did though. 

2 day streak of no complications!

Well its time for bed. Im tired. I volunteered with the kids again today and tomorrow is my last day. Things with Milton are going pretty well the past few days and I really hope they stay this way for a while...Im tired of the arguments and the disagreements and the crying and the sadness. Anyways, today was an overall A+. I cant wait to go back to horse riding lessons Tuesday. You know, the first time I went to that farm, it smelled bad and was dirty, now its not so bad. It just smells...like outdoors.
I hope tomorrow is good as well.
Goodnight!

A Long Day

So I went to church tonight to volunteer with Vacation Bible School. I helped with the little kids. It was VERY tiring and busy, but it sure did take my mind off of things and it felt nice to know that I really helped out Ms. Jennifer. She was really appreciative and really hoped that I came back tomorrow :) It really felt nice to have done something helpful that someone really appreciated :) Well, im kind of worn out...yeah, thats what 15 toddlers will do to you. Im going to bed.
~Never take your life for granted. Its a gift not a right, so put your gift to use! Don't let it sit and collect dust! :) ~

Im making another blog! Check it out :) only one post right now but I hope there are many more to come.
Name: A Small Voice
URL: www.noisesfade.blogspot.com

I've got college on my mind...and its not being nice.

So im thinking about college....nothing new. I mean, I think about college like 24/7. and scholarships and where im going to go. Its frustrating. I know that there are many possibilities to what I can do. My grades arent terrible (I actually make very decent grades) and im a very good student and a nice person. Burt sometimes when I think about the future, it scares me. What if what i planned doesnt work out like I wanted it to? What if I never go to college? What if when im in college, im not happy at all and I drop out or something because im not as smart as I thought I was? I dont know...Its senior year and im starting to feel pressured. A few years ago I had everything planned out. I was going to go to Michigan State for psychology (My first choice was to go directly to a college in London but that'll be very expensive), study abroad in London or somewhere in Europe, go to Graduate school to get a PhD, then after, go to London to study at Le Cordon Bleu, start a diner, then stay in London and buy a cute studio and live the rest of my life travelling the world and experiencing cultures. Right now, I dont even have the slightest of hope that any of that will happen. And now im thinking about going to Florida for....get this....Forensic Analysis! where the heck did that come from?! I know people say this is normal. They say that alot of people dont know what they want to do till theyre actually in college, but im determined to not be one of those people. I like planning and having a plan. I absolutely hate when plans change but I adjust. I think a lot of this pressure is also from my mom. If she would just stop telling people my smallest decisions then I would be ok. At first she was telling everyone I want to go to Michigan, Now shes telling everyone about Florida and making me feel like i HAVE to go there now because if I dont, people are going to think im an immature girl who cant make up her mind! I dont know what to do...I guess im going to hang in there and see how this goes.

Change

Heres some of my photography that I've been doing

Have you ever woken up one day and thought "Who am i?" "Where did the old me go?" or something along those lines? I have, just recently. The thing isnt that I have become a terrible person or something drastic like that, its the most subtle thing. I cant write anymore. I feel that I have lost my creativity. I used to be able to write a few poems everyday and now I struggle to just start one. I feel like im not me anymore. I used to come up with ideas all the time also. Not just ideas for poems, but ideas for entrepreneurship, ideas for helping people on the street, ideas for things in the future, ideas for inventions, but nowadays my mind  is blank and over and over throughout the day I scream at myself, "what happened to me?!" And this is driving me crazy! lately I have been doing a teeny bit of photography but its not the same as when I could write my thoughts so beautifully on paper without thinking and make something wonderful out of it. I miss when I could just go in my zone and write and write without stopping and when I was finished, there was a masterpiece, something I was proud of. Sometimes I remember I would even start to smile while I was writing poetry. There was this amazing rush that writing poetry gave me. The way I could twist words and imagination to make them blend together in such harmony. I miss that. I truly miss that...

Poem of the day!

“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.” 
― Robert Frost