Help

Im tired of lying about my feelings just to avoid an argument...Im going to drive myself insane with all these cooped up feelings that I cant do anything about...

Im all alone

So, I guess im all out of friends...I have no one. I used to be the only girl in a group of guys. They used to talk to me and we would all hang out but i guess ever since i got a job and my schedule became so busy, ive been shifting farther and farther away from them, or vice versa. Theres a new girl in town. She keeps coming over and hanging out with them and it seems that they talk to her more than me now... Usually they always are playing video games but some how when she comes over they do whatever the heck she wants. the past few times they sat and watched a movie. Just recently they turned off their games (gasp!) and played rock band with her. I bet if i walked in the room and asked to play a game, they would tell me to go away! (actually i know this is true because once i asked if they could just turn down the volume on the game so i could make a call, and one of my friends practically whined about it and still never turned it down). But anyways, i guess there is no one left. No one wants to be around me. I havent left this house to do something fun in months...this is killing me. I even missed my senior homecoming (and i didnt go to any before that. so that was my last chance) because of work. But im not saying i dont like my job. I love it! its actually the only place were i feel people appreciate me and smile at me and just like me as a person, not as a potential girlfriend. Its where i feel the most love...and that is very sad for a high schooler to be saying.

High school turned out to be nothing like i expected. When i imagined high school, i imagined bonfires, (which ive always wanted to go to) beach parties, parties at peoples houses, that kind of thing. (definitely not saying im a party animal.lol. i probably would go to many parties. but it would be nice to be invited to them).

But anyways, about the friend thing, i guess they dont need me anymore. Now i fell like im the annoying little sister thats always around. And i feel like its too late to try to make new friends now. im a senior! This is the last year. Itll be kinda pointless to make new friends... I guess i can try again next year when im a freshman in college. But thinking about it, probably not. And i dont know howto make friends! My friends were kind of..."inherited". By this i mean that a long time ago in the 5th grade i met 2 guys. I just kept in contact with them all the years and when they made a friend, I was included and introduced so they automatically became my friend. I guess you can say i was one of the cofounders of "our group". It has its perks,like not having to do anything, but its downs are worse. because when college starts, im going to be on my own. Im going to have to learn how to make friends on my own...

How am I going to do this...? 

Love or Not to Love

I don't know whats wrong with me. Even when i have someone who loves me, I still can't accept it. Still in my head I just say "No one loves me and whoever does is stupid". I contradict myself. I want someone to love me but when I do have someone, I  DON'T want them to love me. Can someone explain this to me? Im not going to lie, but when I didnt have a boyfriend, I pretty much begged for attention and wanted everyone to love me. I wanted guys to fight for my love, and now that I have a boyfriend, all I think is "He could have someone way better. He would have such a better relationship with her, they are more alike. Maybe he's just with me for the heck of it and doesnt really love me. Maybe he just settled for me because the others girls he was too scared to ask out".

Though ive had many guys like me, I still have the thought in my head that no one wants to be with me. I feel im just not good enough. Ok, i'll say it: Im black, im ugly, and im fat, I have big feet, im hairier than most girls and have to shave more than normal girls, i have stretch marks, my hands have creases in them (compared to girls with smooth hands), and i dont know how to talk to people. Who wants to be with that? And thats just the physical, tangible things.

I think my boyfriend would be much happier with someone else (and I actually have an idea who)...
I dont want him to love me anymore...

I HATE MYSELF FOR THESE THINGS THAT CORRUPT MY MIND!
I HATE MYSELF!