My long lost friend

Its really haunting and killing me that I find it hard to write poetry. Poetry and writing was a really big part of me. Its a part of my heart that I feel is gone now, a part of me. Maybe i'll try to start again by trying to write a poem about how lost I feel about my poetry. Maybe my readers can give me an idea...IF there are more than 1 person reading this :P Anyways, maybe that'll be my first step. I guess i'll give it a try. Wish me luck! 

I guess im going to try...again.

Im trying to make changes. Maybe work out a little more, keep track of what im eating, try to change what im eating. I found a few websites that im going to try out. All that good snazz. I wish our minds were like computers sometimes. I wish my mind could be reprogrammed to someone who loves running and walking every day; to someone who loves to eat nothing but fruit and veggies; to someone who is a complete health freak. Ugh...i feel like im trying, just to fail again. 

BIIIG mistake

I shouldnt have looked at the scale.....biggest mistake in my life. I should have kept believing I was 130 lbs...Now my self esteem is even lower than usual. And I can feel it interfering with my relationship with my bf. sometimes he'll just rub my arms and ill push him off because my arms feel fat. sometimes he likes to just rub my stomach and I tell him to stop and push his arms away. I have to do something about this before it tears apart my relationship.

Follow up of last night

So... I watched video after video about weight loss, then somehow I drifted into watching videos about anorexia. I think the videos about anorexia kind of changed my mind, but it hasnt taken the hurt away. I still feel the same about how I look. I actually cried a little when I got dressed this morning. When I tried on a pair of jeans and when they didnt fit, I shattered. I put on a pair of red skinny jeans instead and hated what  saw. I gave up, resulting in putting on my horse-riding jeans. They are very unflattering, but I didnt have to feel self-conscious at least.  

Unwanted memories are haunting me again!!!

I simply cannot get stupid weight off my mind! I dont know what to do anymore. I cant stick to anything in my life. I wish there was a pill for commitment or something. But i guess what I need to work on, as i read in this book somewhere, is my confidence and self image. Its not going to be easy. I know that, but I guess I can try small and try to find the good things about me....yeah...lets see how that goes. Right now I just feel like going back to being anorexic. Despite the weakness I had, I was happy everytime I looked in the mirror. I feel like thats my only choice anymore. I mean, the last time I dealt with it and gained my weight back on my own....so if I go too far with it this time i'll be able to stop myself...right? I really have to get these thoughts out of my mind or im going to do something im going to regret. And probably have so many of my loved ones mad at me...but surprisingly id rather have that then being disgusted with myself every freaking day. I just wish this would stop. I wish my mind could be re-programmed so I would stop having these thoughts. Goodnight...

Blind

Sometimes it feels like the less you know, or even better, the less you pretend to notice or care, the less hurt there is involved. I guess thats my defense mechanism. When I dont know what to do, i try to be blind. Blind to the truth. Blind to the lies. Blind to what i KNOW is right in front of me. The problem is that, ive been pretending to be blind for so long, its hard to tell if im seeing clearly. For the past few years I have let my mind act on its own. I make up lies to more convenient myself, but lately its not working anymore. Now i cant tell if what im feeling is from me lying to myself, or a true feeling. I just want things to be clear again. Im begging. Im tired or taking a guess or dealing with it. I just want to know what is and what isnt. I guess ill have to wait to find out.

A time of fixing and healing

Well the past few days have been productive if i must say so myself! I finally did something creative in a long time. I took an old plastic jar for peanuts and put a slit in the top and decorated the jar and made it into a change jar or little bank. And when I say I decorated it....I DECORATED it! It took about an hour or so! But even though it took so long, I realized that when I was busy with something fun, I didnt get hungry so it prevented me from eating out of boredom. I guess thats what I need to do from over eating, just find something to do! It just felt good to use my creativity again. Also the few days have been productive by some issues being resolved with people close to me. Things are going well! So the next step: I need to get out more. Maybe I should start going outside again to take more pictures. That would help me to be more active and Ill be doing something I like to do. It'll also get me out of the house....and away from the refrigerator and the computer. Bye bye for now!