Help

Im tired of lying about my feelings just to avoid an argument...Im going to drive myself insane with all these cooped up feelings that I cant do anything about...

Im all alone

So, I guess im all out of friends...I have no one. I used to be the only girl in a group of guys. They used to talk to me and we would all hang out but i guess ever since i got a job and my schedule became so busy, ive been shifting farther and farther away from them, or vice versa. Theres a new girl in town. She keeps coming over and hanging out with them and it seems that they talk to her more than me now... Usually they always are playing video games but some how when she comes over they do whatever the heck she wants. the past few times they sat and watched a movie. Just recently they turned off their games (gasp!) and played rock band with her. I bet if i walked in the room and asked to play a game, they would tell me to go away! (actually i know this is true because once i asked if they could just turn down the volume on the game so i could make a call, and one of my friends practically whined about it and still never turned it down). But anyways, i guess there is no one left. No one wants to be around me. I havent left this house to do something fun in months...this is killing me. I even missed my senior homecoming (and i didnt go to any before that. so that was my last chance) because of work. But im not saying i dont like my job. I love it! its actually the only place were i feel people appreciate me and smile at me and just like me as a person, not as a potential girlfriend. Its where i feel the most love...and that is very sad for a high schooler to be saying.

High school turned out to be nothing like i expected. When i imagined high school, i imagined bonfires, (which ive always wanted to go to) beach parties, parties at peoples houses, that kind of thing. (definitely not saying im a party animal.lol. i probably would go to many parties. but it would be nice to be invited to them).

But anyways, about the friend thing, i guess they dont need me anymore. Now i fell like im the annoying little sister thats always around. And i feel like its too late to try to make new friends now. im a senior! This is the last year. Itll be kinda pointless to make new friends... I guess i can try again next year when im a freshman in college. But thinking about it, probably not. And i dont know howto make friends! My friends were kind of..."inherited". By this i mean that a long time ago in the 5th grade i met 2 guys. I just kept in contact with them all the years and when they made a friend, I was included and introduced so they automatically became my friend. I guess you can say i was one of the cofounders of "our group". It has its perks,like not having to do anything, but its downs are worse. because when college starts, im going to be on my own. Im going to have to learn how to make friends on my own...

How am I going to do this...? 

Love or Not to Love

I don't know whats wrong with me. Even when i have someone who loves me, I still can't accept it. Still in my head I just say "No one loves me and whoever does is stupid". I contradict myself. I want someone to love me but when I do have someone, I  DON'T want them to love me. Can someone explain this to me? Im not going to lie, but when I didnt have a boyfriend, I pretty much begged for attention and wanted everyone to love me. I wanted guys to fight for my love, and now that I have a boyfriend, all I think is "He could have someone way better. He would have such a better relationship with her, they are more alike. Maybe he's just with me for the heck of it and doesnt really love me. Maybe he just settled for me because the others girls he was too scared to ask out".

Though ive had many guys like me, I still have the thought in my head that no one wants to be with me. I feel im just not good enough. Ok, i'll say it: Im black, im ugly, and im fat, I have big feet, im hairier than most girls and have to shave more than normal girls, i have stretch marks, my hands have creases in them (compared to girls with smooth hands), and i dont know how to talk to people. Who wants to be with that? And thats just the physical, tangible things.

I think my boyfriend would be much happier with someone else (and I actually have an idea who)...
I dont want him to love me anymore...

I HATE MYSELF FOR THESE THINGS THAT CORRUPT MY MIND!
I HATE MYSELF! 

Update!!!!!

So. I HAVE A JOB! I have been in training for the past week and it is tiring D: my first official day of work is going to be saturday! (tomorrow) so...other than that great stuff ^-^, there's not much else going on. Nothing bad has happened. It has been pretty well lately. :) hopefully im not jinxing it...but anyways. School is coming and im getting excited! Im going to be a senior. It came so quickly! I cant believe it. I still feel like such a child (because im short and silly not because of my maturity) Its really hard to accept that im a senior and soon im going to be a freshman in college. Life is an exciting ride. Yes i know theres going to be hard times and times that arent much fun, but anticipating whats to come can just makes me so excited and jumpy :) Im ready to take on my future! BRING IT ON! lol.

My long lost friend

Its really haunting and killing me that I find it hard to write poetry. Poetry and writing was a really big part of me. Its a part of my heart that I feel is gone now, a part of me. Maybe i'll try to start again by trying to write a poem about how lost I feel about my poetry. Maybe my readers can give me an idea...IF there are more than 1 person reading this :P Anyways, maybe that'll be my first step. I guess i'll give it a try. Wish me luck! 

I guess im going to try...again.

Im trying to make changes. Maybe work out a little more, keep track of what im eating, try to change what im eating. I found a few websites that im going to try out. All that good snazz. I wish our minds were like computers sometimes. I wish my mind could be reprogrammed to someone who loves running and walking every day; to someone who loves to eat nothing but fruit and veggies; to someone who is a complete health freak. Ugh...i feel like im trying, just to fail again. 

BIIIG mistake

I shouldnt have looked at the scale.....biggest mistake in my life. I should have kept believing I was 130 lbs...Now my self esteem is even lower than usual. And I can feel it interfering with my relationship with my bf. sometimes he'll just rub my arms and ill push him off because my arms feel fat. sometimes he likes to just rub my stomach and I tell him to stop and push his arms away. I have to do something about this before it tears apart my relationship.

Follow up of last night

So... I watched video after video about weight loss, then somehow I drifted into watching videos about anorexia. I think the videos about anorexia kind of changed my mind, but it hasnt taken the hurt away. I still feel the same about how I look. I actually cried a little when I got dressed this morning. When I tried on a pair of jeans and when they didnt fit, I shattered. I put on a pair of red skinny jeans instead and hated what  saw. I gave up, resulting in putting on my horse-riding jeans. They are very unflattering, but I didnt have to feel self-conscious at least.  

Unwanted memories are haunting me again!!!

I simply cannot get stupid weight off my mind! I dont know what to do anymore. I cant stick to anything in my life. I wish there was a pill for commitment or something. But i guess what I need to work on, as i read in this book somewhere, is my confidence and self image. Its not going to be easy. I know that, but I guess I can try small and try to find the good things about me....yeah...lets see how that goes. Right now I just feel like going back to being anorexic. Despite the weakness I had, I was happy everytime I looked in the mirror. I feel like thats my only choice anymore. I mean, the last time I dealt with it and gained my weight back on my own....so if I go too far with it this time i'll be able to stop myself...right? I really have to get these thoughts out of my mind or im going to do something im going to regret. And probably have so many of my loved ones mad at me...but surprisingly id rather have that then being disgusted with myself every freaking day. I just wish this would stop. I wish my mind could be re-programmed so I would stop having these thoughts. Goodnight...

Blind

Sometimes it feels like the less you know, or even better, the less you pretend to notice or care, the less hurt there is involved. I guess thats my defense mechanism. When I dont know what to do, i try to be blind. Blind to the truth. Blind to the lies. Blind to what i KNOW is right in front of me. The problem is that, ive been pretending to be blind for so long, its hard to tell if im seeing clearly. For the past few years I have let my mind act on its own. I make up lies to more convenient myself, but lately its not working anymore. Now i cant tell if what im feeling is from me lying to myself, or a true feeling. I just want things to be clear again. Im begging. Im tired or taking a guess or dealing with it. I just want to know what is and what isnt. I guess ill have to wait to find out.

A time of fixing and healing

Well the past few days have been productive if i must say so myself! I finally did something creative in a long time. I took an old plastic jar for peanuts and put a slit in the top and decorated the jar and made it into a change jar or little bank. And when I say I decorated it....I DECORATED it! It took about an hour or so! But even though it took so long, I realized that when I was busy with something fun, I didnt get hungry so it prevented me from eating out of boredom. I guess thats what I need to do from over eating, just find something to do! It just felt good to use my creativity again. Also the few days have been productive by some issues being resolved with people close to me. Things are going well! So the next step: I need to get out more. Maybe I should start going outside again to take more pictures. That would help me to be more active and Ill be doing something I like to do. It'll also get me out of the house....and away from the refrigerator and the computer. Bye bye for now! 

I have a crappy self-esteem...sorry Natalia

Another long day. I started getting depressed about my weight again today. Im tired of this happening and I dont know what to do. I feel like there is absolutely no hope and though i try to ignore it, its eating away at me bit by bit, day by day. I dont see the beautiful girl that everyone talk about. I know i dont have to look like a model or a celebrity. I dont want to anyways. I just want to be satisfied with myself...and im not. I try to change my attitude. I thought that as long as i just say im pretty and that im happy with myself that ill just start to believe it, you know, trick my own mind, but that didnt work out. It actually annoys me SOMETIMES  when someone just says i dont need to lose weight and that my weight is fine, but as long as theyre not in my body, they wont know the pain that i feel everyday. They wont feel my struggle. Until they can get in my mind and think how i think and feel how i feel, then they shouldnt just say that im fine and that im beautiful and expect me to just say "Ok. im beautiful! thank you so much!". It doesnt work like that. I wish it did though. 

2 day streak of no complications!

Well its time for bed. Im tired. I volunteered with the kids again today and tomorrow is my last day. Things with Milton are going pretty well the past few days and I really hope they stay this way for a while...Im tired of the arguments and the disagreements and the crying and the sadness. Anyways, today was an overall A+. I cant wait to go back to horse riding lessons Tuesday. You know, the first time I went to that farm, it smelled bad and was dirty, now its not so bad. It just smells...like outdoors.
I hope tomorrow is good as well.
Goodnight!

A Long Day

So I went to church tonight to volunteer with Vacation Bible School. I helped with the little kids. It was VERY tiring and busy, but it sure did take my mind off of things and it felt nice to know that I really helped out Ms. Jennifer. She was really appreciative and really hoped that I came back tomorrow :) It really felt nice to have done something helpful that someone really appreciated :) Well, im kind of worn out...yeah, thats what 15 toddlers will do to you. Im going to bed.
~Never take your life for granted. Its a gift not a right, so put your gift to use! Don't let it sit and collect dust! :) ~

Im making another blog! Check it out :) only one post right now but I hope there are many more to come.
Name: A Small Voice
URL: www.noisesfade.blogspot.com

I've got college on my mind...and its not being nice.

So im thinking about college....nothing new. I mean, I think about college like 24/7. and scholarships and where im going to go. Its frustrating. I know that there are many possibilities to what I can do. My grades arent terrible (I actually make very decent grades) and im a very good student and a nice person. Burt sometimes when I think about the future, it scares me. What if what i planned doesnt work out like I wanted it to? What if I never go to college? What if when im in college, im not happy at all and I drop out or something because im not as smart as I thought I was? I dont know...Its senior year and im starting to feel pressured. A few years ago I had everything planned out. I was going to go to Michigan State for psychology (My first choice was to go directly to a college in London but that'll be very expensive), study abroad in London or somewhere in Europe, go to Graduate school to get a PhD, then after, go to London to study at Le Cordon Bleu, start a diner, then stay in London and buy a cute studio and live the rest of my life travelling the world and experiencing cultures. Right now, I dont even have the slightest of hope that any of that will happen. And now im thinking about going to Florida for....get this....Forensic Analysis! where the heck did that come from?! I know people say this is normal. They say that alot of people dont know what they want to do till theyre actually in college, but im determined to not be one of those people. I like planning and having a plan. I absolutely hate when plans change but I adjust. I think a lot of this pressure is also from my mom. If she would just stop telling people my smallest decisions then I would be ok. At first she was telling everyone I want to go to Michigan, Now shes telling everyone about Florida and making me feel like i HAVE to go there now because if I dont, people are going to think im an immature girl who cant make up her mind! I dont know what to do...I guess im going to hang in there and see how this goes.

Change

Heres some of my photography that I've been doing

Have you ever woken up one day and thought "Who am i?" "Where did the old me go?" or something along those lines? I have, just recently. The thing isnt that I have become a terrible person or something drastic like that, its the most subtle thing. I cant write anymore. I feel that I have lost my creativity. I used to be able to write a few poems everyday and now I struggle to just start one. I feel like im not me anymore. I used to come up with ideas all the time also. Not just ideas for poems, but ideas for entrepreneurship, ideas for helping people on the street, ideas for things in the future, ideas for inventions, but nowadays my mind  is blank and over and over throughout the day I scream at myself, "what happened to me?!" And this is driving me crazy! lately I have been doing a teeny bit of photography but its not the same as when I could write my thoughts so beautifully on paper without thinking and make something wonderful out of it. I miss when I could just go in my zone and write and write without stopping and when I was finished, there was a masterpiece, something I was proud of. Sometimes I remember I would even start to smile while I was writing poetry. There was this amazing rush that writing poetry gave me. The way I could twist words and imagination to make them blend together in such harmony. I miss that. I truly miss that...

Poem of the day!

“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.” 
― Robert Frost

Turning a new leaf...

Ok. I know I havent been here in a while, but just recently, I have thought that I want to help people. There are so many people out there that are screaming out for help and to get it, they have to go on teen hotline websites that are confusing and need "membership" for. I just want to help people who may not have a huge problem like bulimia or suicidal thoughts (even though i would want to help with those too), i can be here for someone to wants to vent and let off steam. Someone who has nowhere else to turn. I want to help people!

~Introduction~

Hello, my name is "Sutaki". I made this blog a few years ago just for fun. but now i am going to dedicate myself to actually making a difference in my life and in other peoples lives. This blog is now dedicated to getting word out to people that I am here for them and that i will try my best to help people get through their problems